Last night as the last of the friends were leaving our party we had an interesting moment, a dad, one of our dearest friends, came to get his girls and wanted to talk with R.  Weird.  Men do that?  It was clear that it was going to be a private conversation, again..weird.  So they went to the formal dining room (a fancy word for the room we never sit in, but whose walls are painted a very nice red) to talk...can I say one more time weird. 

Then the last girls mom came, but we weren't quite done with "Soul Surfer" so we sat down at the kitchen table ( a fancy name for the table that is always sticky and covered with paint splotches and homework and shoes (please cover your shocked gasp at the disgusting thought of shoes on the table, I know it's appalling but I am over it) and were quietly chatting in semi-darkness.  She is the mother of 10 and is going back to school (almost done) for her RN and is maybe 10 years older than me.  Why have I felt old my whole life?  She said she was young and had time for another career and was looking forward to ....blah blah blah (read that nicely, she had lots of plans and things to look forward to and to accomplish) and I felt kind of envious and stuck and undecided.  What to do with  my life.  Shouldn't I not only know but be doing it now??

When everyone was gone, the debris cleaned up, the children tucked in and the lights turned off I tip- toed into our room and whispered "Honey, what did M want?"  A sleepy voice answered "mnphn".  So again, because I don't like to disturb a sleeper I whispered "HONEY! what did M want??"  He told me "to talk about his career."  Oh...boring. 

Then I lay awake.  Thinking (a dangerous past time I know)

R is a real get things done guy.  He knew what job he wanted when he was a boy and kept his eye towards that goal and has had his dream career (well he would have loved to be a pilot but bad eye sight made that impossible).  He's had 20 years doing technical, cutting edge, exciting, freedom saving work.  Now he is moving on to phase 2 of his 40 year dream career plan.  He is like that with everything.  He wants to ride a century and gets a bike and practices and signs up for one.  He wants to be a storm chaser and goes out and takes a HAM class and builds an 80 ft tower in the backyard and does it.  He is a doer. And I love and admire that about him.

....me on the other hand.  I had a dream, once, don't really remember what it was but I know it got derailed by the more important and wonderful responsibility of motherhood and now it's been 24 years and I am just in the middle of said important and wonderful responsibility and wouldn't change it but I'd like to do it and something.  The problem is any something I can think of takes too much time away from the the most important thing...and everything I can think to do that wouldn't take away pays little and is no fun, which is okay I can work at something no fun for a good cause (BYU tuition, flights to see the girls, a possible 2 Disney dream vacay) but that's not really the same thing is it??

I'd like to run a triathlon....but I can't put my face in the water without gagging and I hate to run.
I'd like to be a gourmet cook... but ingredients are expensive so I make top ramen.
Mom and Dad think I should write a book...but I don't have a story to tell.
I'd like to be a counselor or a midwife or a nurse...but my nights are full of homework and soccer practice and I am tired and the tuition we pay isn't for me right now.
I'd like to memorize the scriptures...but instead I know the tv schedule pretty well. 
I'd like to take an art class but then I wouldn't be free to sub (the little pay/ no fun something )


Do you see where I am going?  I am lacking direction and purpose and drive and my baseboards are dusty, only some of my husbands shirts are ironed and with all I sacrifice (cue small violin) my kids are still noisy and sometimes disobedient and think I do a bad job (ouch!)