wishes/goals/pet peeves

This is my brother, the iron man Alec

One of my pet peeves is when I meet lovely young women, in their early 20's, or 20 and they are waiting for their lives to start.  By that I suppose they are waiting to marry, which is a righteous goal and should be accomplished.  I am not anti the getting married part, I am anti the attitude of "waiting".  The ones that bug me, that make me sad are the ones that aren't really doing anything good.  They may work at a job but not work towards a career.  Schooling is a half hearted endeavor.  They hang out, have friends, go on dates but real life hasn't started for them.  I see this as such a waste of time and opportunity.  Maybe I feel particularly strongly about this because I missed this time in life.  I was married and expecting a baby at 18 years old.  I am wistful about what could have been different.   I would like them to pursue an education and a career that is fulfilling to them.  I would like them to travel, to serve a mission, or volunteer in an elephant orphanage or at their neighborhood school.  I would like them to learn to speak French, or cook Thai food or become hatha yoga masters.  This should be a time of learning and accomplishing a time  of doing.  Never again will they have the freedom from responsibilities, never will their time be more their own than now.  Young adulthood should not be squandered in selfish pursuits they should be making the world and themselves better.

That said I totally get the path of least resistance.  The easy to think up obstacles and deterrents, the fears that hold you back.  And the obstacles of not having enough $ or skills or confidence.  It seems to me, who was admittedly never there, an ideal time to try and to do.

So now I am a couple decades from that time and I have in my life done some things and not done a lot more.  I managed to get through college, with a lot of help and support from the awesome grandma baby-sitting brigade and a sprinkle of miracle dust. I've managed to raise half of my brood of little chicks to adulthood and they are amazing. This is is large part despite my parenting.  I can honestly say I wanted to be a great mom, and I tried, but I was tired and flawed and distracted and the years flew by so quickly.  Ive read some books, been a few places, served in a few callings, can cook well enough and am pretty friendly but the list of accomplishments is not as long as I'd like and I recently realized that I am that girl who is waiting.  I was waiting for the kids to grow up, I've since discovered that that wait is never ending;) I was waiting to feel good, to have free time, to be driven to do something great.  And now I am 45, half way through life by most reckoning and I am still not who I want to be.  I still fall into the path of least resistance.  I still wait.  The adversary doesn't have to worry about tempting me to do bad, he can just let me wait to do good.

So I have a goal, and I have time.  And I announce it or it's just a wish, which will never happen:  I want to run a triathlon.  Crazy I know.  Not a long one.  And I don't want to be competitive necessarily...like in my imaginings I don't see myself winning, or frankly doing "well" but I do see myself doing it.  I have some obstacles to over come.  Like I don't own a bike, like to put my face in the water and can't run more than the length of one house without feeling like CPR is needed.  But what am I waiting for?  Kriste, my amazing friend, became a runner and she was just a not thin as I.  She is younger, which is helpful.  Today I am younger than I will be next year though and if I am not careful instead of turning 50 and feeling like "50 is the new 35", I will be like "50 is the new dead."

During general conference Elder Richard G Scott gave an excellent talk about receiving personal revelation.  One thing really spoke to me at the time, he said:

On the other hand, spiritual communication can be enhanced by good health practices. Exercise, reasonable amounts of sleep, and good eating habits increase our capacity to receive and understand revelation. We will live for our appointed life span. However, we can improve both the quality of our service and our well-being by making careful, appropriate choices.

Even though it's been a while now I still want to take that council and make myself more useful.  Able to survive TREK next summer, able to go on "on point" this fall, able to walk and not be weary, run and not faint.

So yesterday I bought a sports bra (they come in different support ratings? did you know that? I didn't. I got full support, want to keep the girls in step.)  And I will run.  I don't know how I will do.  Honestly I am a quitter, and a fatty, and would rather take a nap/read a book/bake some cookies/clean the bathroom...go to the dentist...no not that ...but pretty much anything else than run.  Kriste said it took her two years before she "loved" running. I don't know if I have the character to do something I hate for two years on the off change that I might learn to love it and I might live an extra 2 productive years. But I 'm going to give it a go..and the surprise silver lining, R doesn't mind me not working.  I LOVE not working.  LOVE IT. Love being home with no kids.  Have big plans to organize the house, memorize the scriptures, be a super star visiting teacher, teach Z some circus tricks and figure out how to motive Grace to be nice.  Big, lofty, perhaps unattainable goals.  However if I make the effort we should end up better off than where I am right now.  One room organized is better than zero.  6 dog tricks is better than the 2 she knows now.  One race ran and I can stick that stupid sticker on my car and feel good about myself for the next couple of decades.