Baseball

When our boy was small we put him in tee ball. He looked so cute in his little baseball pants and hat. He'd swing the bat wildly and lope around the bases with his little hat bobbling on his head. It was 3 seconds of cute sandwiched amongst an hour of mind numbing torture. I thought I hated it because there was no winning or losing, no keeping score and no outs. What??

So 5 years have passed and the memory had grown dim so when we were looking for a 2nd sport to fill a merit badge req, and branch out, and try to avoid our Sabbath day conflicts, and Bub said how about baseball I said sure.  I have come to regret that. Baseball is torture, and the games last way too long. He still looks cute swinging the bat.

Today during the game a boy at bat got hit by the ball in the groin. He went down and the coaches from both teams ran over, they dusted him off and slapped his back. He limped back to the dug out but not out of the game. Men are interesting. Having a man child is interesting. They steal your heart so completely, I remember looking at his newborn hands and thinking they were boy hands. They quickly learned to grab a ball, or a handful of hair. As he has grown the balls have gotten bigger and now his hands grip pencils tight doing calculations for school, they expertly tap a computer, and they carry chairs and laundry and other things for his old mom and dad. Soon they will pass the sacrament, grip the steering wheel of a car and reach out to lace fingers with a date (instead of me). 

When that newborn boy steals your heart a tiny spark of fear nestles in there too. First the fears are small: is he breathing, sleeping, eating? Then they are bigger: will his teacher know how smart he is when he wiggles in his seat, will he make the team, the grade, the aim to the toilet? Then they get huge: how will he stay clean in a world of sin? Will he be safe when he's not with me? Will he live up to his potential?
And the biggest worries of all: will he grow up just to die in combat? will the failing economy sustain his efforts to be gainfully employed and to raise a family of his own? will his life be better than his parents?

A spark of fear and rush of pride, a lot of prayers and a lot of chilly nights watching baseball/soccer/chess/robotics.

Raising a boy , a man.