Poolside musings

The other day I was at Food Lion and the bagger, apparently a newlywed, was asking the checker, married for 15 years how she didn't "kill her husband" all those years.  The checker replied that taking long walks and deep breathes helped.  Then the bagger went on to complain about how annoying her husband was. I paid my bill, didn't comment, and went on my way.  But the conversation has stayed with me.  I have thought a lot about marriage through the years.  Having what I considered to be a terrible first marriage, and putting the blame squarely on my ex's shoulders for a long time, and then working on a 2nd marriage, which according to studies is even more likely to fail and more difficult than a first gave me some first hand experience.  Studying psychology in college and the gospel in the rest of my life has also given me some perspectives and insights.

The biggest thing I have learned is that nothing is all the other person's fault.  Ever. We each have strengths and weaknesses that make us both good/bad spouses.  Knowing what those are and capitalizing on the strengths and overcoming the weaknesses are essential.

When Rob does something that I find annoying/mean/selfish/whatever I do several things.  First I pray to see him the way the Savior does.  I know he is a son of God and one with many talents and wonderful qualities.  If I am annoyed by some small failing I need to step back and see the real him.  I pray for this often.  For a period of several years I prayed every morning and every night.  This honestly was not because he was so terrible but because my heart needed a lot of softening and a lot of humbling to be refined into one worthy of a help meet.
Then I look around me.  I see books unread and unreturned to the library despite past due dates, piles of laundry, floors that need to be vacuumed, burned dinners, inpatient interactions with the children, too many cookies enjoyed and not enough long walks and that beam in my eye reminds me that his small mote is not so much of a problem.  We are each human and he loves and accepts me like I am, I love and accept him as he is.

There is a notion of each partner giving 50/50.  I think this ends up with a divorce agreement and 50/50 custody of the DVD collection, wedding china and children's time.  Each partner must give 100%.

We need to selflessly follow in the Saviors footsteps, and do each day the things that He asks of us.  Then we will be happy in our marriages as we lose ourselves in service and charity.

A really hard thing to do , that is imperative to a successful relationship is to look at our own flaws and make them strengths.  I am very bad at saying I am sorry.  I am bad at saying much of anything as I have long admired Spock's stoic response to life's problems. I need to learn to share my thoughts and feelings.  To not abdicate my responsibility as a partner. To use words to build and to solve problems.  Rob says while I think I am being nice I am actually being passive-aggresive.  Food for thought.  We need to be willing to see our own scars and warts.  No one likes to but how else can we grow.  Hopefully as we are doing that our spouse is looking at us with so much Christ-like love and acceptance that it acts as a balm to our souls and gives a safe place to become better people.

We need to treat out spouses like they are important. To listen to them and meet their needs. For men there is one need that only a wife can meet. We need to be open and willing to that almost always. I really believe that. Even if at first youd rather sleep or watch tv or do the dishes wives should and must say yes with love and enthusiasm. In the words of Michelle Duggar anyone can make him a sandwich but only you can "know" him and be "one with him". 

Rob has always been so great at insisting on weekly dates. I love that and look forward to it. When the small ones were small I didn't always. It was a pain to get a sitter and I was a worrier. Yet they all survived and they all know that mom and dad go on dates. When they are all grown and gone and the grands live across the country it'll be me and him and we will know each other and like to be together. 

Along a similar vein having shared hobbies is probably good. We don't so much, unless you count watching NCIS or going out to eat but we do support each other's interests. I have watched many a kata being practiced, gone to bike shops and rooted for my dauntless fisherman. It's been fun for me to learn about airplanes and foreign policy and Harley's as I've listened to him and supported his hobbies/work/life.

So that pretty much exhausts my marriage wisdom, so dear posterity if you ever wonder what Mimi thought there you go. And if you didn't feel free to look up the next dessert recipe I post...which is another key to wedded bliss, someone should know how to make wonderful desserts!